redstapler: (Default)
[personal profile] redstapler
Not too long ago, one of the co-founders of my company slunk through the office and quietly distributed Nerf guns to everyone. A short-lived Nerf war started, which was quickly shooshed and shut down by our Executive Producer.

Ever since, the tell-tale whistle of Nerf ballistics can be heard through the office at random intervals. No full-on war has started again, but skirmishes still occur.

One afternoon, late in the day, I found myself in a standoff with a friend. And then suddenly, something hit me in the right butt-cheek. Having only seen my friend with a weapon in his hand, I proceeded to empty the rest of my clip at him, as he protested that it hadn't been him.

He also swore he wouldn't tell me who had taken the shot.

I pressed him for why, and he finally side-stepped apologetically to the phrase, "Bros before hos," further backpedaling with, "You're not a 'ho, but you're also not a bro."

And that was when I got offended.

This is a dude I'd talked with at length about video games, music, and drugs. We'd talked about relationships and our families. I often gave him a lift home.

At no point did I ever think I'd be considered "other" simply because I'm a woman.

But apparently I was.

People, this is rape culture distilled. If he wasn't going to tell me who shot me in the butt with a Nerf dart because of perceived gender difference, what the hell else won't he interfere with? Even if he doesn't realize the scalable nature of this stance?

I know this guy thinks of himself as a good guy--and he is! But...his firm insistence that he "couldn't sell out a bro" tells me that in his eyes, as cool as he may think I am, I'm still "other," and possibly "lesser," even if he doesn't realize it.

At its bare bones, this is a story of someone defending another's actions simply because of his gender versus mine. And that shit ain't cool.

on 2011-12-02 12:05 am (UTC)
kalmn: (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] kalmn
wow.

on 2011-12-07 11:35 am (UTC)
bodlon: It's a coyote astronaut! (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] bodlon
Fuck. That. Noise.

I'll go get my N-Strike sniper rifle/double pistol. We'll show them the terrifying efficiency that comes of dismantling the bro v. ho dyad.

(Which is, of course, me being glib. And at a flailing loss as to what to actually say to this guy beyond, "Dude, what did you actually mean back there? Because not cool.")
Edited on 2011-12-07 11:36 am (UTC)

on 2011-12-01 02:28 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] bart-calendar.livejournal.com
The thing is, I wouldn't tell either, and not because you are a woman, but because the guy who did it could get fired for sexual harassment and I'm not going to contribute to a dude losing his job right before christmas.

Then again, if it was a girl who shot a nerf dart at a dude's ass I also wouldn't tell for the same reason.

on 2011-12-01 02:30 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
While I can see your argument, it was pretty obvious the worst I would do to the butt-shooter would be empty my clip at him. (Which I actually did a couple weeks later when I found out who did it.)

on 2011-12-01 02:34 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
Also, I'd like to reiterate that I was more offended by the way my friend defended not telling me than getting hit by the dart in the first place.

He could have said, "I'm not selling out my friend" and it would have been annoying, but not "I'm not selling out a man to a woman."

on 2011-12-01 02:37 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] bart-calendar.livejournal.com
Yeah, his phrasing was shitty. He just should have said "I don't rat people out."

on 2011-12-01 03:09 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] tdanaher.livejournal.com
Since you said you found out who did it, do you have any reason or not to think that your friend just likes that other person better than he likes you? Did you friend preferentially protect someone else for no other reason than because that person has a Y chromosome?

on 2011-12-01 03:24 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
Did you friend preferentially protect someone else for no other reason than because that person has a Y chromosome?

Yes.

on 2011-12-01 03:45 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] tdanaher.livejournal.com
Yikes.

on 2011-12-01 03:03 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] zekejojo.livejournal.com
Sorry, but I don't buy your chain of logic. There are so many other things that could have been at play. For example, he could have been giddy about the chance to finally (long past its expiration date, and separately from its inherent problems) break out the "bros before hos" line. And I feel like people would be MORE likely to step up the worse the crime, not the other way around. If I saw my brother steal a candy bar, I wouldn't turn him in. If I saw him hit someone in a car, I wouldn't let him drive off. As for the phrase itself, maybe he thought he would offend you by calling you a bro as much as he would by calling you a ho. So he apologized for both.

By which I mean that I think you followed your line of logic way past any reasonable destination.

on 2011-12-01 03:28 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
Having been part of a mixed-gendered social group who frequently referred to each other as bros, and having seen a male member of that group sexually assault a female member of that group...I'm not inclined to be charitable on this point.

I will, however, own that.

on 2011-12-01 03:37 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] iolarah.livejournal.com
Even if your analysis of the situation was incorrect, it says a lot about our culture that we would be sensitive to that kind of othering. Even if that's not what happened in this situation, it does happen, and it happens enough that we become hypervigilant :(

on 2011-12-01 08:40 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] basswhooper.livejournal.com
Say a Guy A has plans with Guy B to go see a band at a local bar and a girl calls Guy A and says she wants to go bowling (or fishing, or climbing trees, or catching crawdads, or whatever it is women like to do); bros before ho's (or the more-politely worded "pals before gals") would either be the part of the bro code which dictates Guy A's choice of action, or it would be the part of the bro code cited by Guy B as a way to cry foul if (and when) Guy A decided to go out with the girl. I will use it like that all day long. For more serious things though, (say assaulting a woman), chivalry/basic human fucking decency trumps the hell out of bros before ho's.

Well, at least it should.

In the Nerf Gun example above, however, I'd sell a bro out in a heartbeat. I'd probably then help you frag him, but save one round to shoot you square in the back once you thought it was over; but that's just because I'm an utter bastard in any kind of Nerf battle...

on 2011-12-01 08:46 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
Using the Bro Code in the manner you first describe is more equitably hashed out in deciding whether romantic or platonic relationships are more important, and then which romantic or platonic relationships take precedence.

If the girl in that equation was simply another platonic friend, then the answer is clearly, "I'm already doing [Activity] with [Person]," and then either leave it at that, or invite them person along.

Nerf Gun battles are every person for themselves. ;)

on 2011-12-01 09:52 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] basswhooper.livejournal.com
Have you seen the Nerf melee weapons?

on 2011-12-01 10:11 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
I have, and they are beautiful.

on 2011-12-01 10:07 pm (UTC)
rosefox: Green books on library shelves. (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] rosefox
Did you call him on it?

on 2011-12-01 10:10 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] redstapler.livejournal.com
I tried, but the conversation went no where in such a way that I need to figure out another tactic.

on 2011-12-02 02:56 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] fauxfire76.livejournal.com
In a word, wrong. Does the guy see it that way? Probably not. Is it horridly fucked? Yes. Do I have any kind of clue what to do about it. No. Sorry, I fail here. I will say however that I'd have sold the person out regardless of where they shot you simply because I don't abide shooting people in the back. I'll sniper all day long but I will always go for a frontal shot if possible.

on 2011-12-03 12:04 am (UTC)
damnitnicole: nicole with pink hair (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] damnitnicole
Ugh. Can we blame Texas?

on 2011-12-03 10:49 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] newsbean.livejournal.com
I'm pretty surprised at the comments you're getting here that are essentially backing that guy up. We have a long way to go.

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